Jesus’ Day Off

I’ve just been given a copy of a book called Jesus’ Day Off by Nicholas Allan, author of such modern classics asThe Queen’s Knickers, Jesus’ Christmas Party, and Cinderella’s Bum!

He is also the author behind the award-winning CITV show Hilltop Hospital, and a former Chairman of the Society of Authors’ Children’s Group.

I’ve got a Lenten retreat week coming up so the donor’s timing was brilliant. I mustn’t spoil the story for you, but if flowers start springing up where I walk you know the therapy is working.

Filed under: books, Humour

Rambling Rectors (and Vicars, Curates etc)

The clergy of Fordham and Quy deanery went on their annual ramble recently to West Stowe Park. I reckon they could have sold tickets to spectators! During their ramble they visited the redundant church of Icklingham, only to find that the saints were still very much alive in their niches… Or is that an angel?

Thanks to the Rural Dean for the photos.

Filed under: Church of England, Humour

Bishop will walk on water

New Scientist magazine’s famous ‘Feedback’ column caught Cambridge University out recently when in their alumni weekend brochure they wrote:

To commemorate the 900th anniversary of the creation of the diocese of Ely… the bishop of Ely will be walking from Ely to Cambridge along the river Cam on Sunday 27 September.

To which Feedback replied:

AFICIONADOS of biblical miracles will no doubt be out in force in the east of England in late September.

Filed under: Church of England, Humour, Ely Diocese; Cambridge

Smile- it’s the Year of the Child

This amusing story is doing the rounds, which seems just right for the start  of the holidays. It’s wonderfully un-PC for the Year of the Child – but of course taken in the spirit it’s meant to be taken it can bring a smile to all our faces at a time of year which can be wonderful and also just a little trying at times. Thanks to our Rural Officer Geoff Dodgson for passing it on.

 

Whenever your children are out of control, You can take comfort from the thought that Even God’s omnipotence did not extend To His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
‘ DON’T !’

‘Don ‘t what ?’
Adam replied.

‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.’
God said.

‘Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! ‘

‘ No Way! ‘
‘Yes way !’

‘Do NOT eat the fruit !’
Said God.

‘Why ? ‘

‘Because I am your Father and I said so!’
God replied,
Wondering why He hadn’t stopped
Creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break And He was ticked !
‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit? ‘
God asked.

‘Uh huh,’
Adam replied.

‘Then why did you? ‘
Said the Father.

‘I don’t know,’
Said Eve.
‘She started it!’
Adam said.

‘Did not !’
‘Did too !’
‘DID NOT !’

Having had it with the two of them,
God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve
Should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
]
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, Don’t be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
What makes you think it would be
A piece of cake for you ?
======================================================================

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life Teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend The next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward
For not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
Some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
They usually repeat word for word
What you shouldn’t have said

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties Is to remind yourself that there are children More awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes,
But they are still getting in.

[=================================
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
Nursing home one day

==================================
AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

‘TAKE TWO ASPIRIN’
AND ‘KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN’!!!!!

Filed under: Humour

Eggstra Special Mission Action Plan

The Parish of the Ascension has taken on a new MAP line in  Wholly (Holy) Happy Hens. We arrived home yesterday to discover a neatly packaged egg on the doorstep with a scroll announcing to their Beloved in Christ the Bishop of Huntingdon that eggs for himself and his Brother of Ely had been carried in procession on foot to them from Cambridge with all due solemnity, the eggs having been laid by hens rescued by Philipa the Team Rector and blessed by Bishop Simon Barrington-Ward (photo above, hat-tip the Ascension website and Janet).

So I really do have to reply in style:

David, by Divine Permission, Bishop of Huntingdon to Philipa Ann King, Clerk in Holy Orders, Team Rector of the Parish of the Ascension in Cambridge, Greeting.

Whereas you have blessed us with the gift of a most wholesome and holy egg, the produce of the righteous and right comely hens who reside in the Rectory Garden

And whereas the said gift has been enjoyed most heartily by the episcopal household, an enjoyment in which we wish many others to share

We do hereby appoint you Mistress of the most Honourable Order of the Holy And Happy Hens of  Cambridge, for the furtherance of the well-being and well-laying of the said hens and the health and happiness of all our sisters and brothers in the aforesaid place

Given under our hand and seal at our residence in Ely, this nineteenth day of July in the year of our Lord two thousand and nine.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

+ David Huntingdon

Filed under: Humour, mission, Cambridge, Churches, Hens, Holy

Too much tech?

Messing around with technology today, and was amused to come across a killer cartoon by Noel Ford (the A1 artist who draws as on the left: hat-tip to his website). Two of Ford’s typical figures are looking at a  church noticeboard, on which is written:

Stay in touch while you’re on holiday! If you’re on Twitter, we tweet! Or read our Blog! All sermons available as downloadable PDFs! Full details on our Facebook profile!

The caption?

… and we used to grumble about not understanding archaic church language!

While we’re on noticeboards, churchnoticeboards report the world’s first  solar powered church noticeboard, complete with motion sensor so it only lights up when someone passes it. Amazing!

Filed under: Humour, Technology, Church, noticeboard

Danger: God at Work

More mediaevalia from the BM. These tiles from Tring show scenes from stories invented about the childhood of Jesus. They show him playing, and play with the problems that made for his mates.

In the top one Jesus is making pools alongside the River Jordan. A bully destroys one and – bang – he falls dead. Jesus then restores him to life with a kick.

In the lower one A father has locked his son up in a tower to stop him playing with Jesus – presumably because he is too dangerous. Jesus, however, pulls him out of the tower miraculously through the lock and off they go to have fun (and all this time is well).

Filed under: History, Humour

A Coffee Priesthood

At last, justification for all those double espressos ….

Filed under: Humour

The miracle that is America

After my foray into lyric-decipherment a couple of days ago, I came across this salutary snippet from Richard Bewes’ article (marking the singer George Shea’s 100th birthday) in the Church of England Newspaper, retailed on by Peter Brierley in his useful bimonthly bulletin FutureFirst:

In Britain, after [George Beverly Shea had sung] the solo ‘It took a miracle to hang the world in space,’ a complaint was lodged about the arrogance of the singer who claimed that ‘it took America to hang the world in space’!

Filed under: Humour

Yan, tyan, tethera, methera, chip

Lakeland shepherds are to learn a new way of counting their sheep. The age-old method of ‘scoring’ is now being replaced (yes, you guessed it, as the result of a European Directive) with a chip that has to be fitted to the ear of every member of the flock. A New Electronic Identification Leaflet for Sheep has now been published, presumably to extend the educational effort to the sheep as well, in case the shepherds opt out. In my days as a Cumbrian vicar, the local sheep were famed, however, for being tired-of-living and experts in every sort of sudden mortality, so their continued co-operation is not to be counted on. More seriously, the continued existence of some of the marginal flocks is not to be counted on if this sort of silliness in counting continues to prevail.

Readers will, however, be reassured that EID will not be mandatory for goats, because the UK goat population falls below the 160,000 threshold. So once the flock has dwindled to that level we can tear up all the tags anyway.

For interest, the Keswick area counting words are

yan tyan tethera methera pimp
sethera lethera hovera dovera dick

with that wonderful word for fifteen: bumfit

Filed under: Current affairs, Humour, Sheep